


I'm Looking Forward

by RubiRose15



Series: Ash/Gou Fics [6]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gou is bad at feelings but he's trying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23504371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubiRose15/pseuds/RubiRose15
Summary: Sometimes it's difficult to realize that you need help. Its easy to invalidate your feelings and minimalize your problems when you don't know any better.Ash, unfortunately, doesn't know anything at all, but thankfully he has a friend who can understand.
Relationships: Gou/Satoshi | Ash Ketchum
Series: Ash/Gou Fics [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1566991
Comments: 5
Kudos: 221





	I'm Looking Forward

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaa I'm back, hi!  
> Earlier in the discord server we got on the topic of depressed Ash and,,,, I made this. I love me some hurt/comfort ok?  
> Title is a song of course, and a steven universe future song at that. That should give you a sense of how this is gonna go down--

_ It's hard to live your life in stride _

_ When you feel the way I always used to feel inside _

_ Now it's so easy that it's strange  _

_ I'm a person and the person that I am can change _

_ So I'm looking forward, I'm looking forward, I'm looking forward now _

_ •~•~• _

Gou had never considered himself to be very good at reading people. He made a few attempts to understand others and help them, but he ended up doing more harm than good every time. Such as the time he tried to console Scorbunny when it couldn't learn a fire type move, and he ended up permanently harming their relationship. 

Still, he felt a desire to help the people he cared about when they needed it. It was such a stark contrast to how he acted hardly even a month before, but he decided he liked this change. It would take some time to adjust to it however, as Gou frequently came across as harsh and apathetic, no matter his intentions.

Lately, he noticed Ash was withdrawing from conversations. Not just that, but skipping meals and sleeping for longer than what could be considered healthy. He could excuse the sleeping part, as Ash had mentioned he needed at least ten hours of sleep each night or else he'd be completely out of it. Gou had experienced that firsthand. However, the lack of eating and socializing was concerning. He may not have known Ash for very long, but Gou knew this was worryingly unusual behavior.

Looking back, Gou should've noticed this a while ago. His friend would occasionally fall into strange depressive episodes, but after maybe an hour or so, he would go back to his bubbly happy self and it was like those bad moments never existed. Gou mentally smacked himself. He should have taken those episodes more seriously, he should have paid attention to them. But he brushed them aside, thinking Ash just needed to recharge by himself for a moment. 

But now he was withdrawing for long periods of time, never talking to anyone, only ever leaving their room to eat. Sometimes he wouldn't even do that. Ash had "slept in" long enough to miss breakfast  _ and  _ lunch that day. Gou also remembered that Ash didn't even eat dinner the evening before. Surely he must've been starving at this point, so why wouldn't he get up and get food?

Taking some initiative, Gou decided he would bring the food  _ to  _ Ash. Maybe he felt sick and wasn't telling anyone. Something similar had happened when they thought he had been cursed by Gengar, so it wasn't an insane idea.

Gou stacked a bit of food onto a plate and filled a glass with water. He walked down the familiar hallway to his and Ash's dorm, his Raboot trailing just far behind enough to seem uninterested. Despite their distance, Gou could tell his pokemon was also worried about Ash. 

Carefully, he opened the door while his hands were full. He saw a giant lump under the covers and assumed that was Ash, maybe asleep. Moving farther into the room, he called out to him.

"Ash, are you awake?" 

He didn't get a response, but Gou had a feeling that didn't mean he was asleep, so he continued talking.

"You didn't eat anything yet today, so I brought you some lunch," he said. "Though I guess it would be breakfast for you," 

A moment of silence passed with nothing being said, but Gou was determined to get a response. Especially once he saw Pikachu peer over its trainer to look at him. Gou was still new to understanding what Pokemon were saying, even when they were miming it out for him, but in that moment, he knew what Pikachu was trying to tell him with a single glance.

_ "Please, don't give up. He needs your help" _

Gou nodded to signify he understood, and moved to place the food and water on a table. He moved closer to the bed where his friend was lying.

"Ash, are you alright?" he asked, his voice flooded with genuine concern. Maybe it was the fact that he was addressing him directly, or maybe even the emotion in his words, but this time he moved Ash enough to actually respond. 

"I'm fine," he mumbled, hardly even loud enough for Gou to hear, but it was enough. Ash shuffled just a little under the covers, and Gou almost breathed a sigh of relief that he was, in fact, capable of moving. He locked eyes with Pikachu again, another conversation through eye contact. 

"Are you sure?" he continued awkwardly. Ash didn't reply again, and Gou felt his stomach sink. He picked up a half of a sandwich from the plate on the table and sat on the bed. He reached over the mess of bedsheets to where Ash's face might be and gestured for him to take it. "You need to eat. Take this." 

"I'm fine," Ash repeated unhelpfully. A twinge of irritation rose within Gou that his obviously sick friend was completely refusing to eat. He pushed it down, not wanting to end up saying the wrong thing because of it. 

"Ash, it's not healthy to go without eating for a day. Especially since you usually eat like a madman," Gou laughed the tiniest bit, trying to lighten the mood. 

"I'm fine," 

The boy stopped himself just before he could huff disapprovingly. Gou stared at the lump of blankets for a second before peeling them back to reveal Ash's head. The two of them had a mini tug of war over the placement of the sheets that Gou won easily. Ash's hands were too shaky from malnourishment to help him.

"I'm worried about you, Ash," Gou finally said, trying again to push the sandwich to him. Ash turned his head to look at him, and something must've clicked, as he took the sandwich from him with a trembling hand. Gou watched as he nibbled it only a little at first before practically inhaling the whole thing. He stood up to get Ash the water and Raboot was there, already moving to hand it to him. When it gave the glass to Ash, he also drank the whole thing within seconds. 

"Thank you," Gou breathed out, feeling almost satisfied that he and Raboot managed to get Ash to at least take a little care of himself. Pikachu's eyes sparkled with relief, but Gou could tell something was still off.

"What's wrong?" he asked when Ash wasn't saying anything. 

"Nothing," 

"That's a lie," Gou stated matter of factly before he could stop himself. He froze, then cleared his throat to try again. "I can tell that something is bothering you, Ash. Please, talk to me. I'll try to help you,"

He snuck a glance at Raboot, catching it peeking from across the room before turning its head when Gou made eye contact. He frowned, wishing he could have been as patient as this with it as a Scorbunny. He shook the thought away. Right now, he needed to focus on Ash.

"I'm fine," Ash said again, sounding like a broken record at this point. This time though, he brought himself to say more. "I just want to be alone," 

Gou looked between him and Pikachu. The yellow mouse stared back with its pleading and worried eyes, and he knew he had to stay. Looking at his lap, he wondered how to approach this. 

First he had to figure out why Ash wanted to push everyone away. Gou knew the boy enough to know he was highly extroverted, and tended to solve problems better when he was with other people. Obviously everyone, even the most social of extroverts, needed a break every now and then, but this was getting to be dangerously unhealthy. There were better ways to go about it.

Gou also had to think about how he could properly console him. He didn't want to end up saying the wrong thing and losing Ash as a friend. He couldn't just ask himself what  _ he  _ would want to hear in this situation. He had to ask what  _ Ash  _ would want to hear, too.

He took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Ash, I understand what it's like," 

"There's no way you could," the other boy whispered so quietly, Gou suspected he wasn't supposed to hear it.

"I do." he replied. "When you think to yourself 'I don't need anyone to help me,' and you trick yourself into believing there's no one in the world that will understand. When you push people away and when you're finally alone you wish and pray that someone will come by and know how you feel," 

Ash didn't say anything, so Gou felt free to continue. He laid down next to him on the bed, staying above the covers. 

"When you think that other people are just going to look down on you, or don't have the time to pay attention, or you'll bring them down, or that they just don't care. But that's not true," in the corner of his eye, Gou noticed Raboot approaching the foot of the bed, leaning on the bedpost and listening attentively. 

"When I was little… Well, honestly my whole life, my parents would be gone for so long to be at work, and I started to really miss them. My grandma would be home sometimes, but I didn't want to bother her with my feelings. I also knew my parent's job was important. I figured they didn't have time to be giving me attention constantly." 

Gou paused to breathe a little, not wanting to get too carried away. He fidgeted with his hands, not completely comfortable sharing his life story.

"I also didn't want to bother Koharu too much. I didn't want to annoy her and constantly hang around her. I never tried to make any other friends either. I figured I could deal with the loneliness and pour my heart into researching Mew.

"But… In the times when I couldn't focus solely on research, I could feel my emotions eating at me. I always needed something to distract myself with or I would feel horrible. That's a bad way to deal with things, I know, but I was so scared to talk to anyone else. Still though, I always wished someone would come and help me, even if I didn't realize it myself,"

Gou turned around to face Ash, though his back was turned to him with seemingly no thought of moving. Thankfully, he wasn't saying or doing anything to show he wanted Gou to stop talking and leave, so he hadn't messed up yet. 

"And then…" he couldn't control the smile that rose to his face. "One day I jumped onto Lugia's back, and I met this interesting guy. You've probably never met him.

"He was so optimistic and caring, I didn't think anyone could be that good of a person. And then the very next day he didn't hesitate to jump in front of  _ two  _ hyper beans to save a group of Ivysaur and Bulbasaur,

"Needless to say, I was inspired. He… You made me want to be a better person. You jumped into my life and became what I had been wanting for years. A friend who I knew wouldn't give up on me. I want to be able to do the same for you." 

Gou felt Ash move a little, though he didn't know completely what he was doing, as he was still hidden by the covers. Gou moved onto his stomach and laid his head on his arms, looking at Ash. After a minute of silence, he said one more thing.

"Back on the Dragonite Island… You said that Dragonair evolve to get arms and legs so they can protect others. I want to be able to do that too, you know? Help other people…" he thought about Raboot, who was now laying on the bed too, near their feet. "I don't always say the right thing, and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me, but I'm working on it. So please know that I'm here to talk, or listen, or even just sit here beside you. You don't have to be alone." 

There was a long while of silence, but this time Gou let it stay that way, even if he was particularly worried that Ash had actually fallen asleep. He heard Raboot snoring next to him, so maybe there was a chance he bored them to sleep. Finally, after maybe ten minutes and just before Gou could drift away as well, Ash spoke up.

"That thing you said… About when you weren't researching, the feelings would come back to you…" Ash began, his voice raspy from not using it enough. "It's kind of like that." 

"I see," was all Gou said in reply, hoping for him to continue that train of thought. Things were quiet again for a minute more as Ash tried to articulate his thoughts.

"I don't like talking about my past adventures," he mumbled. Gou hummed, prompting him to go on. "They were fun, and I love the people I traveled with and everything we did, but every time I think of those happy days, I get reminded of the bad ones, too." 

"What do you mean?" 

Ash sighed pitifully, and then he finally sat up. Pikachu readjusted itself in his lap, even as it was secured tightly in Ash's arms. It let out a small squeak of understanding.

"Everywhere I go, disaster always follows. First it was Team Rocket, and they still follow me and try to take Pikachu and other people's pokemon, but they kinda pale in comparison to everything else," Ash explained, almost laughing dryly. 

"There was a more serious Team Rocket, then Team Aqua and Magma in Hoenn, and Team Galactic in Sinnoh, Plasma in Unova…" a fog partially clouded Ash's eyes and he looked haunted as he continued. "And Kalos… And the Ultra Beasts…" 

"Ultra Beasts? And Kalos… Do you mean… The events after last year's league?" Gou whispered, trying to push down the dread creeping up his throat. Ash nodded and Gou shot up to a sitting position. 

"But don't worry, I've been through worse. I mean there were a lot of times when we all almost died that were way more dangerous. I mean, one time I got in the middle of Mewtwo and Mew's attacks and turned to stone, Pikachu got turned to stone by Yveltal, and one time I got stuck in a castle so high in the atmosphere I froze to--"

"Ash!" Gou interrupted him, feeling himself shake uncontrollably as he imagined how horrible that must've been. "No wonder you're so withdrawn now… I'm so sorry, I didn't know that happened to you," 

"Well, I never really mentioned it," Ash shrugged. "I force myself not to think about it, but going to all these places I used to travel, I end up remembering. Maybe I need to find another way to forget it…" 

"No, no," Gou gently grabbed one of Ash's hands and held it between his own. "It's okay to think about it. It's okay to remember. If you bottle all this up you could seriously hurt yourself in the future…" 

"But… When I think about it…" Ash sniffled as tears began to run down his cheeks. "When I think about it, it feels so bad."

"I know, but you can't properly move on if you don't confront these feelings," Gou brought a hand to the back of Ash's head, pulling him to his chest. Ash sobbed into his shirt, and Gou ran his fingers through his hair to soothe him. Between them, Pikachu curled into Ash more, comforting him. "You need to see a professional about this, I want you to get better, and as much as I wish I could help you on my own… I don't want to make it worse. But I'll still be here to listen and understand. I won't leave you alone with these memories,"

"If you stay with me--" Ash struggled to make himself coherent through his crying. "If you stay with me, you'll get hurt. You'll get dragged into the next apocalypse," 

"You don't know that for sure… Maybe this time…"

"You can't promise me nothing bad will happen again."

Gou sucked in a breath at that, not knowing how to respond. He felt Raboot wake up next to him, taking in the situation and deciding to sit next to Ash, laying on him with its back turned. He smiled, turning his attention back to his friend.

"You're right," he eventually sighed. "I can't promise you that. But I  _ can  _ promise that even if you dragged me to the underworld, I will be right by your side. I'll walk with you to hell and back." 

Ash nodded without saying anything, and Gou enveloped him in a proper hug, squeezing him tight enough that Pikachu had to move to avoid getting crushed between them. It perched itself next to Raboot. The two Pokemon watched their trainers, happy that things were resolving, even if Raboot wouldn't admit it.

The boys must've fallen asleep at some point, as Gou woke up with a crick in his back maybe less than an hour later. He had fallen backwards onto the railing and the discomfort woke him. Rolling his shoulders to help the pain, he noticed Ash sleeping peacefully on top of him. 

For the first time, Gou felt like he was actually seeing Ash. He didn't realize before how guarded the boy actually was. He was very good at masking, pretending he was an open book. In all fairness, he was. He typically wore his heart on his sleeve, but there was a deep corner in his mind. A place so secret, not even he allowed himself to venture there. 

Gou gently nudged Ash to lay down properly on his pillow, and he laid down with him, pulling the covers over himself. He couldn't move away from Ash even if he wanted to, as the boy was holding onto him like a lifeline. That was fine. Gou had no intention of leaving. He made that abundantly clear. 

The Pokemon settled between them, and Gou sighed happily as he snuggled closer to his friend like a teddy bear. He could almost cry with relief. He didn't mess up. He said the right thing. He got to help the person who changed his life. 

Gou drifted to sleep, proud of himself.

•~•~•

He woke up a few hours later, confused as to how he got in the top bunk. In a slight panic he looked around for Ash, wondering if all of that progress had just been a vivid dream. He caught the boy coming out of the bathroom, in fresh clean clothes with a grin on his face. He noticed the plate on the table was empty, and when he looked down he saw that Ash's bed sheets were missing. 

"Oh you're awake!" the boy said cheerfully, as if his earlier behavior was nonexistent. He must have caught onto his confusion, as he continued to explain himself. "I woke up a bit ago and ate lunch. Then I basically ate everything in the kitchen," 

"Oh, I'm glad then," Gou smiled softly. Ash chuckled to himself.

"Yeah, then I thought my bed smelled kind of gross from me laying in it for days, so I wanted to wash them, but… I couldn't bring myself to wake you up. I carried you up there."

"Oh." Gou said rather dumbly. He tried not to blush at the thought. It would be weird to blush about being carried when they had cuddled for hours. 

"Yep, and then I cleaned myself up too!" 

"I see that," Gou yawned and stretched the sleep from his muscles. He bounded down the stairs to the floor. "How are you feeling?" 

"Much better," Ash sobered himself, suddenly much more vulnerable and open. It was almost like he flipped a switch and now he was a different person. But he was still himself, and he seemed ready to bring those two sides together more cohesively. 

"Thank you, Gou,"

"Anytime," 

"I'll… I'll be sure to talk to a professional soon. You're right. It's a lot. I forget that sometimes." he murmured, and Gou nodded with a smile. Suddenly Ash surged forward and threw an arm around him.

"So, remember: When the apocalypse  _ does  _ come, you better keep your promise!" he said, jokingly stern. Gou laughed a bit before he threw his own arm around Ash. Sincerity dripped in his voice as he replied.

"You can count on me,"

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to comment your thoughts
> 
> I should write something cute and sweet sometime why do I always gotta make the bois sad---
> 
> Btw I made a discord server for the ship, come check it out! https://discord.gg/mScs67M


End file.
